Satire: Santa Arrested For Paedo Pics
25 December 2008The Daily Sun: London
CHRISTMAS has been cancelled for a second year, following the arrest of Santa for “evading the prohibition on the importation of indecent material”. According to the Metropolitan Police’s Paedophile Unit, Santa first came under suspicion after he was found to have travelled to Thailand more than 200 times over a period of just 200 years. Upon entering the UK, he was found to be in possession of sick images of child abuse, including copies of a music album which was recently censored by the Internet Watch Foundation.
“Gifts”
Santa protested his innocence, explaining that the records were merely gifts, however these claims were struck down by Shaun Kelly of childrens’ charity NCH. Kelly explained that “paedophiles often use jusitifications such as “it was only a hug”, “it was only a picture”, “this wouldn’t be a crime in any other country”, or “I really do like listening to The Scorpions”, however nobody in their right mind would believe this”. Jacqui Smith explained that “the Home Office will do everything it can to make the public feel safe, whether this means censoring artists, banning photography in public, or manipulating figures on the extent of knife crime in London”.
“Mistaken Identity”
Santa Claus, who The Daily Sun can EXCLUSIVELY unmask as Mr Paul Doe from Air Strip One in Oceania, claims that he is a victim of mistaken identity. Mr Doe argued that he was “just pretending to be Santa in order to make some extra money for Christmas”, however CEOP’s Jim Gamble does not believe this claim. He explained that “Mr Doe clearly sought a job where he would have access to young children, so he is obviously a determined and dangerous child molester. We need to send the message that if you work with children in the UK, we will find you and we will prosecute you; there is nowhere to hide.”
The Metropolitan Police stated that “it is our policy to arrest everyone who may have thought about committing a potential crime. Once we have arrested them and provided their details to the local press, we decide whether they are guilty before submitting their cases to the Crown Prosecution Service. It is then for the Jury to decide whether they look like a Muslim, a black youth, a paedophile, or somebody else who must be guilty.”
This incident came just two hours after Santa was turned away from Vatican City for wearing a coat which “looked too much like a dress”. The Pope declined to comment, stating only that he was acting under the authority of a higher power.
The Daily Sun would like to apologise for printing a photograph of Jacqui Smith speaking in the House of Commons, which we have now removed in order to comply with the Obscene Publications Act and complaints from concerned parents.
2 Responses to “Satire: Santa Arrested For Paedo Pics”
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I can bear Ms Smith, but only on mutant…
January 30th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
I was recently imprisoned for possession of images despite having many more (99%) that were adult. My life is horrendous now - despite the courts saying I can have a PC so long as I don’t do X and Y, the police have tried to stop me having one. When I got one anyway - and pointed out I was allowed by the judge - they asked me what was on it (innocently). I was showing them Youtube, and a few others - and said I had found Digg.com. They asked me what was on there and I said I didn’t know cos it was updated daily and I hadn’t seen. Someone had posted a picture of a young girl with a SANTA HAT on an a vest top. Only the top half of her was visible - and it was supposed to be a funny pic (she was holding a sign saying “I love Satan” - having misspelled Santa). Both the officers said they didn’t like the look of the picture and promptly arrested me for another possession of indecent images.
This was 18 months ago and I’m still on bail. My girlfriend couldn’t take it and left me (not again she said) - my family all think I’m a raging pervert - and the charge mysteriously changed to Breach of SOPO. Seems the arresting officer was “only arresting me for this and where did I get the other charge from?”. They lie so badly its insane. There is no justice. My girlfriend was pregnant and my daughter is now 8 months and I’ve never seen her. I cry every night about it and feel so angry. I pled guilty the first time around because the solicitor said the pics were nothing and I’d probably walk (Got 18 months).
So Santa is not my favourite person. UK justice is hell. They bullied my ex by threatening to take her child and now she tells everyone its not mine (despite me looking after her until the day it was born and she ran off).
Point is - I just want to make people aware that if they ever get offered a quick deal - fight it all the way (assuming you are innocent) because they’ll talk about being “Guilty through Wrecklessness” and 101 other things that will make you think you are guilty through not preventing it from happening.
Modern obsession with children’s rights is hurting kids more than these “experts” will ever realise. I now give children a wide berth and to be honest - am beginning to wish I didn’t have any.