Sex Without Permission Slip Will be Criminalised, Says Justice Minister (April Fool’s Satire)
1 April 2010Engaging in sex without a permission slip from the Home Office could soon land you in jail, justice minister Maria Eagle stated on Thursday. Following consultation with children’s charities and victim support groups, all adults who wish to have sex will be required to complete a form disclosing intimate details about their life and relationships. Home Secretary Alan Johnson argues that the form will protect children, prevent extremism, and speed up the UK’s return to Victorian values.
A spokesman for civil rights group Liberty claimed that “while we do need to protect children from sick, evil paedophiles - who we oppose…. please note that we oppose them - we think this goes just a little too far”. Zoe Hilton, policy advisor for the NSPCC, rubbished Liberty’s vile attack, explaining that the move was “a sensible and balanced response to the serious problem of child abuse”, adding that anyone who doesn’t support the NSPCC is a child abuser.
Feminist author Melissa Money-Grab, of victim support group PROFIT, added that the current plans are the only way to protect women from “the evil, predatory nature of men”. She cited an NCMEC study which found that 99% of men had committed a violent sexual offence at some point in their life. The study, which took place in a clinic for violent sexual offenders, also revealed that donating to the NCMEC reduced the risk of child abuse by up to 900%.
Operators of private prisons were rejoicing in the news. One anonymous director added: “We love the Labour government. We’ve made millions from their imprisonment of harmless individuals”.
The new legislation, which is expected to gain majority support from MPs, will be introduced in May. Click on the image to the right of this article in order to view the entire form.
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